Growing Old Ain't For Sissies

NUMBER SIXTY-SIX
I Had A Nightmare

This is a Special Pre-election Edition of Growing Old Ain’t For Sissies.

I had a dream.

I dreamed that we had gone to the polls and every vote had been counted, even the dead, the illegal aliens, and the felons. Senator Kerry had won and the Democrats had gained control of the Senate and the House, giving the new President freedom to express his deepest political dreams and desires without hindrance. In my dream it was sometime in month of November 2007. All of our problems had been neatly solved.

THE GROWING COST OF MEDICARE PROBLEM: President Kerry has put everyone on Medicare. He is now rationing all costly tests and treatments, reserving them for his friends and relations and major contributors. Euthanasia is legal and the costs generously covered by Medicare so that physicians and hospitals now have strong incentives to eliminate the chronically ill, the aged, and the terminally confused. Anyone over 70 must make a case before a judge in order to get any medical treatment that cannot be done with simple tools on an outpatient basis. The wait for such a hearing is now 9-12 months.

THE SOCIAL SECURITY PROBLEM: The MEDICARE solution quickly reduced the number of people drawing SS to those between retirement age (65, which “will never be raised” – one of the only campaign promises Senator Kerry has kept) and 70 where euthanasia is already rapidly thinning the ranks.

THE IRAQ PROBLEM: After asking the rest of the world to join us in “the wrong war at the wrong place at the wrong time” and after getting polite “Stuff It” messages from everyone, President Kerry has turned Iraq over to the United Nations and withdrawn all American troops. Terrorism in Iraq is no longer a problem since the terrorists have murdered all opposition and established an Islamic dictatorship of the Imams with Sharia law and warm relationships with all the other Arab dictatorships. Europeans interested in the oil business have opened Embassies in Iraq. President Kerry spoke eloquently in flawless French of the bright new future of international relations at the dedication of the new French Embassy in Baghdad.

THE TERRORISM PROBLEM: Immediately after his inauguration the new President vastly enlarged the Justice Department and began swearing out warrants for the arrest of all the bad guys in the Middle East. This frightened them so much that they planted a nuclear device in San Bernardino, California. This device triggered the San Andreas Fault and most of California slid off into the ocean. President Kerry is seeing this as good news for several reasons:

1. The Republicans will not be able to pass a referendum splitting the electoral votes the way the Democrats did in Colorado.

2. The extensive Heinz-Kerry land holdings in Nevada have become waterfront property and their value has increased to the point where the Heinz-Kerrys have been able to buy the all swing states in preparation for the next election.

3. A major proportion of gas-guzzling SUV and Hummers have been be lost in the ocean, alleviating the complaints of Hollywood Liberal Democrats about the $18 a gallon gas. President Kerry is telling the nation that just dozen more strategically placed nuclear devices could easily bring America to total energy independence. After all, when you are riding a bike or a camel, you don’t need Arab oil.

THE SAME SEX MARRIAGE PROBLEM: Having purged the wishy-washy Supreme Court Justices with the MEDICARE solution, President Kerry has appointed Alec Baldwin, Rosie O’Donnell, Ed Asner, Janeane Garfalo, Whoppi Goldberg, Al Franken, Michael Moore, Cher, Barbara Streisand, Jane Fonda, and the cutest Dixie Chick to form a new more sensitive and inclusive Court. This Court has ruled wisely and there is no longer any national debate on marriage – You can now marry your brother, your sister, your mother, your cat or your guitar without hindrance and without shame. You may have one spouse or a dozen spouses of any kind and know that you will not be questioned or ridiculed or condemned by narrow-minded religious bigots.

At this point in my dream my alarm woke me. I set one every night so I can get a good place in line for my free daily dose of therapeutic aspirin, compliments of the sensitive and caring Kerry Administration. As I wait in line I pray no one will challenge my false I.D. card - I am really 73 now and not entitled any longer to this generous Federal Medical Benefit.

NUMBER SIXTY-FIVE
Random Acts of Kindness

Not too long ago I saw a bumper sticker: COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS. It took me back to our days in Southern California where almost every other car had a bumper sticker of one kind or another. My favorite was a pair on the back of a raggedy pickup truck: on the left side it said, JESUS IS LORD, on the right side it said, WELCOME TO MILLER TIME!

Last week we found ourselves in the tiny town of Angelica in western New York State. Having some time on our hands, we passed some of it poking around in the local antique/collectibles shops. An antique is anything over 100 years old. A collectible is anything younger someone is willing to part with cash for. Ticky-tacky is what generally fills in the cracks between the antiques and collectibles.

On the rare occasion when my wife goes into one of these places, I usually sit in the car and read or take a nap (I think most husbands do unless they are into antiques or suspect a major purchase may be imminent). This time we went in together. We began in The Country Store - a two-story building with about 16 small rooms crammed full of all the stuff in the world. It was an interesting experience – we kept coming across things we recognized as stuff we had started our married life with. There was an old spun aluminum bun warmer that brought back fond memories of potato rolls and other baked goodies. There on the shelf stood our first white ceramic coffee pot with the blue detail on the side.

After about an hour there, and only half way through, we asked the Lady in Charge about a rest room. She handed over the key and said, “You will have to reach into the tank and yank the chain to flush the toilet, someone broke the handle clean off.”

Being an old toilet man from my days at Ace hardware, I had to take a look at this. Sure enough the flusher handle was broken off. I went back to Lady in Charge and said to her, “I can fix that in about 10 minutes. There is a nice hardware store up the street and I’m sure the part won’t cost more than three dollars.”

Her eyes lit up, “Would you actually do that? I could run down Main Street waving a hundred dollar bill and not find a single person who wants to do a little fixit work. I have an account up the street, just tell them it’s for me.”

I got the part, put it in - didn’t even need tools. The Lady in Charge and her helper were ecstatic. I doubt that either them minded the primitive method of flushing, but I am sure both were embarrassed every time they had to tell a customer to do it.

We spent another 45 minutes admiring the ticky-tacky, collectibles and antiques, and then presented our selections to the Lady in Charge – a nice little plant stool for Joan and a poured glass head for displaying hats in some old-timey store for me. The Lady in Charge smiled widely on us both and said, “We are having a sale next week, 20 percent off, I am going to give you the discount early for your kindness.” I assured her that is not why I fixed the loo, but would be grateful for the discount since I don’t often buy things in places like hers and it certainly would bump my feelings up a notch or two about such places.

I fixed the toilet just because I could. I had no intention of buying anything so I was not seeking a better price. I think this qualifies as a random act of kindness. The fact that it happened to turn a ten-minute investment of time into a $10 cash return does not disqualify the act either as random or as kind. The essence of the random act of kindness is the motive – if I do it for a reward, it doesn’t amount to much.

At this point the whole thing becomes theological. When Jesus was asked by a lawyer what was needed to inherit eternal life, Jesus referred him to the Torah; “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and all your soul, with and all your strength, and with all your mind; and your neighbor as yourself.” Of course the lawyer, being a lawyer, wanted clarification, “And who is my neighbor?”

Jesus then went on to tell him the familiar story of the Good Samaritan. The bottom line of this parable is that my neighbor is the person I encounter who needs me, whose need I have the ability to meet. This is the highest form of love (agape): “The power of God that moves me to seek the good of another without expectation of reward.”

Don’t write off COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS just because it is the member of a large and generally disagreeable family. It is probably the only white sheep in the bunch:

SUBVERT AUTHORITY TODAY
SAVE THE KANGAROO RAT
IMPEACH CLARENCE THOMAS
CAPITAL PUNISHMENT IS MURDER
REJOICE IN CHOICE
VISUALIZE PEACE
SAVE THE (you name it)

For whatever reason, the folks in aged denim and Birkenstocks have stumbled into a very sound Biblical injunction - COMMIT RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS – I urge you to do one today.

+++++++

“Manna kept is worms.”
Father History, Pilgrim’s Regress, C.S. Lewis

+++++++

“I had rather feel contrition, than know the definition thereof.”
Thomas à Kempis, The imitation of Christ, I.2
+++++++

“For just as the body without the spirit is dead, so also faith without works is dead.” James 2.26

NUMBER SIXTY-FOUR
A Good Democrat Revisited

In case you missed #47 back in May, or forgot it, or refused to read it for you own reasons, I am repeating it. We soon go to the polls. I think there has not been an election as critical as this for a long, long time.

I would really change nothing in the original except to note that the other day when John Kerry was in Florida trying to convince the Jewish voters he would not abandon Israel, he picked up another endorsement from one of those foreign dignitaries (Saddam Hussein, Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi, Osama bin Laden, Kim Jong-Il, Mohammad Khatami, Moammar al-Ghadafi and Hu Jingtao, Jacques Chirac, Gerhard Schroeder and Kofi Annan) who think America desperately needs a new leader – Yasser Arafat now officially endorses John Kerry for President.

For the conscientious citizen, most trips to the voting booth are an exercise in selecting the lesser of two evils. Sometimes there appears to be very little difference between the worst and the very worst, but usually the line will get clearer if we are willing to spend some time and effort seeking to figure out which politician will do the least damage if elected.

Occasionally the distinction has to be made way back at the fundamental philosophical level where there are clear distinctions between the Republicans (conservative right) and Democrats (liberal left) that may not always be evident in the performance by a specific politician. The parties have platforms that generally represent these distinctions, but the parties have little control over the people they help to elect since there is virtually no accountability to the party after the election.

The decision we face in the polling booth on November 2nd deserves careful thought and consideration. The choice has never been as clear-cut. We can return President Bush to office for a second term and give him a decent majority in the Senate or we can hand things over to the Democrat barbarians (read Labor Unions, National Education Association, and Trial Lawyers) clamoring at the gates.

There are at least two kinds of Democrats – hardcore and soft-core. The hardcore group (a minority) is made up of what you might call “Good Democrats.” The soft-core group (a majority) could be called many things; perhaps “Sunshine Democrats” might be a good label for them. Most of both of these groups as reported in recent polls are not “For John Kerry” but simply “Against George Bush.”

The Good Democrats are the true believers. They believe heart and soul in their socialist humanist ideology and their high and holy mission. The Sunshine Democrats pull the party lever for a hundred different reasons, most of them connected in some way to habit or a government handout or program for the redistribution of wealth from the producers to the non-producers.

Whatever your reason, if you pull the Democratic lever in November, you should at least be aware that you may be putting the security of our country and the future of your children in the hands of Good Democrats. This being the case, you should give some thought to what a Good Democrat believes and by inference, what you are buying into.

Although it is not possible to judge the hearts of people, it is not difficult to observe the pronouncements and behavior of the people and organizations held in high esteem by the Democratic National Committee. In a few cases labels may be confusing. One may be a “bad” Democrat and still be a Democrat, i.e. Zell Miller. One may be a “good” Democrat and pose as a Republican, i.e. Arlen Specter. But generally, from such observations, it is possible to draw up a list of what it appears one must surely believe to be a “good” Democrat.

A good Democrat believes that:

1. By definition, all Republicans are greedy, hateful, selfish, hard-hearted people who have absolutely no moral right to govern. Therefore the end always justifies the means when the end is denying political power to Republicans and obtaining it for Democrats. The highest good is political power held by the right people. The Good Democrats are the right people.

2. Any god or goddess is welcome in the public square, the schoolroom, or the legislature. God (with a capital G) belongs only within the walls of the church or synagogue and must never, for any reason, be allowed to run around in public.

3. All our rights are alienable, having been graciously granted to us by the loving, caring Nanny State. What Nanny giveth, Nanny taketh away, usually through an activist judge.

4. Feelings are knowledge. Opinions are truth. All sincerely held opinions are equal. It is perfectly normal to hold mutually contradictory opinions and take mutually contradictory stands on major moral issues, as long as they feel right to you today.

5. Anything bad that happens anywhere in the world outside of America is America’s fault.

6. Anything bad that happens inside America is the fault of the Republicans.

7. Anything bad that happens inside America that can’t be blamed on the Republicans is the fault of “society” and no one is really to blame.

8. As long as the taxpayer has any money left to spend as he chooses, taxes are too low. In economics, the “right to choose” is bad -- a dangerous thing in the hands of those who produce the wealth of the nation.

9. In public debate, any reference to moral absolutes or objective truth is unacceptable because it immediately turns civil discourse into hate speech, which is, as you know, only divides us.

10. There is no problem that cannot be solved by the State. Nanny always knows best and when Nanny is not happy, no one is happy.

11. The only reason socialism has never worked is that the right people have not been in charge. We (the Good Democrats) are the right people.

12. In getting the people’s business done, a single enlightened judge trumps 435 duly elected Representatives and 100 duly elected Senators.

13. The Constitution is a ‘living document” -- similar to a WeeGee board.

14. The AIDs virus is spread by lack of Federal Funding.

15. A public school teacher unable to teach 4th graders to read (for lack of Federal Funding) is fully qualified to teach 4th graders about sex (for which there is plenty of Federal Funding).

16. Handguns in the possession of law-abiding American citizens are far more dangerous than nuclear, biological and chemical weapons in the hands of people who hate us and have promised to destroy us.

17. There was no significant art before Federal Funding.

18. Yuppies driving SUVs are tools of the Great Satan stoking the fires of global warming. Trees, seals and whales are priceless national treasures. On the other hand, people are expendable, unless they happen to be relatives or close friends.

19. Gender roles are artificial social constructions but homosexuality is a natural condition.

20. When the State takes the life of a convicted murderer it is committing murder -- but when a doctor takes the life of a baby in its mother’s womb it is only a “choice” guaranteed by the Constitution.

21. Business produces oppression – government produces prosperity.

22. Having self-esteem is far more important than actually doing what it takes to earn it.

23. If we could do away with the military, we would probably have no more wars.

24. The NRA is bad because it supports one part of the Constitution and the ACLU is good because it supports another part of the Constitution.

25. Historically, Margaret Sanger, Betty Friedan, and Jesse Jackson trump Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee, and Thomas Edison.

26. All standardized tests are racist but all racial quotas and set-asides are enlightened and compassionate social policy.

27. Bill Clinton was a great President and Hilary Clinton is a wonderful lady.

28. Parades displaying homosexual, lesbian, and transvestite lifestyles are protected by the Constitution but public manger scenes at Christmas are not.

29. We could all get along in a better, safer world if we would just turn things over to the international bureaucrats of the United Nations.

One doesn’t have to hear too many speeches by Senator Ted Kennedy (D) Chappaquiddick, to guess what lever Osama bin Laden and his murderous Sons of Allah would pull on November 2nd if they had the chance. If they weren’t having some financial hard times they would also very likely be pouring millions into the pseudo-independent arms of the DNC like MoveOn.org to help their candidate along.

Think long and hard on November 2nd before you pull the lever. Will you choose a man, flawed though he may be, who has exhibited strong moral leadership in a time of great peril to the nation or will you choose the party of appeasement in the mold of Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton led by a man whose moral compass swings wildly with each new poll? Beyond 2004 will we confront and defeat the objective evil of those who would destroy us, or will we hand ourselves over to the United Nations who will talk objective evil to death even as they deny that such a thing even exists? Will you choose a proven leader for the continuing war on terror or the Al Qaeda candidate who thinks it is all just a matter for the police?

There are some whose education seems to have outrun their common sense. They make a list of what government should do, apply it to the Democrats and the Republicans, decide neither will do the right things, and declare they will vote for “none of the above.” This may feel good and generate some opportunities for op-ed pieces, but it seems to me it adds a third evil to the equation. In politics, if enough people refuse to choose between the lesser of two evils, the worst of the two evils generally wins by default. In our political community, failure to think through our choices and allowing the worst evil to triumph by default is the greatest evil of all.

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“If we want to save the whales, we call the Democrats. If we want to save the world, we call the Republicans.” Tom Adkins

“Pray to Allah but tie your camel.” Arab Proverb

“…faith, if it has no works, is dead…” The Apostle James

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(Note: a correspondent who did not identify the author sent some of the ideas in the above to me. From some of the points in the original “How To Become A Democrat” I suspect it has been around for some time. I have updated it and changed it considerably but I am grateful for the thinking of the original author and would be happy to give credit where credit is due, if I knew where that was.)

NUMBER SIXTY-THREE
Oompah! Unchained

We live nine minutes from the church. This means we can leave at 8:20 on Sunday morning and slip into our usual spot at 8:29. Recently, as we were settling in, I leaned over to my wife and said, “Oompah! is not in his corner this morning. She smiled broadly.

As Sean opened the service he remarked that one of the Band members had asked for permission to go camping and they all up and went. We proceeded to enjoy a fine worship time of singing enabled only by Sean’s guitar. One of my prayers was that the Band might be captured and held hostage for six months or so by a clan of Green Party bears.

Oompah! is the god of Christian Rock Worship Music. With this introduction, you will have enough information to understand the following poem.

OOMPAH! UNCHAINED

In the House of God the people sing
A sunny Sunday morn

Amazing grace how sweet the sound…

The keyboard pianissimo
Joy on every face, but
In the corner crouches Oompah!
A golden chain keeps him in place

That saved a wretch like me…

Now Oompah! rises, looking ‘round
Through burning eyes that will not see

I once was lost but now I’m found…

Now Oompah! paces to and fro
Amidst his cables, wires and boxes

Was blind but now I see…

Oompah!’s chain is softly clinking
Back and forth he’s swiftly slinking

When we’ve been there ten thousand years…

Oompah! opens wide his mouth
But Keeper yanks his chain

Bright shining as the sun…

Oompah!’s eyes are blazing bright
With heat like Baalish fires

We’ve no less days to sing God’s praise…

Oompah! rears and paws the air
But dares not make a sound

Than when we first begun.

Now Oompah!’s Keeper drops the chain
And Oompah!’s thunder fills the house
The pews all shudder with his power
As Oompah! runs amok -
Like Hebrews at Mount Sinai
The people are dumbstruck…
They watch and pray he’ll go away
Before their souls go numb
But once he’s loose
It is no use --
With thundering sound
He’ll go around
And go around
And go around
And go around
Until his gig is done…
And then, for sure,
He’ll go once more
‘Round and ‘round and ‘round and ‘round
And ‘round and ‘round and ‘round
And ‘round and ‘round
And ‘round and
‘Round and
‘Round………………..

JS
9.2004

NUMBER SIXTY-TWO
Shalom

On September 19th I was busy coloring a new drawing of the House of Oompah! on my computer when it went dead – like someone had just yanked the power cord out of the wall. I consulted with my Applenerd by phone, tried his suggestions without effect, and carried it, as he directed, to the local Apple Tech guy at CompUSA.

On September 23rd we drove to Springfield Missouri for the third annual reunion of the U.S.S. Hassayampa (AO 145), the greatest oiler in the Navy. For two days we reminisced with shipmates from 1957-58. We took the long way home through Wheaton, Illinois where Joan’s father, 98 last month, is living in a retirement home.

Returning home I found Vince was in the process of rebuilding my computer, one component at a time. Finally, on October 7th, Vince gave me back my machine. It has the original hard drive and cabinet, all the rest is brand new.

This whole experience reminds me that there is some good in almost every situation. Digital withdrawal is no fun, especially when you can’t go on-line to find a support group. My accounting has fallen behind, the scrapbook journaling has backed up, the memory card on my digital camera is full, and every time I read something outrageous in the local liberal rag that passes for a newspaper, I can’t email off a response.

But on the other hand, eMac is running silently and well, and will likely run that way much longer in gratitude for all its new parts.

The trip to Springfield also turned up something along the lines of “something good can always be found in the unlikeliest places.”

In the Church of my childhood we believed that “if the King James
Bible was good enough for the Apostle Paul, it is good enough for us.” We memorized it, studied it, and treated it with considerable respect. We were led in these things by Pastor Howard Keithley.

Pastor Keithley firmly agreed with the Apostle Paul when he wrote to Timothy, “I do not allow a woman to teach or exercise authority over a man, but to remain quiet.” (1 Timothy 2.12) Paul had some pretty clear and firm ideas about the roles of men and women both in the home and in the church – the ordination of women was not one of the things he would accept. Not that it was much of an issue back then – the idea of a Pastor Helen Keithley never came up. Helen made the apple pie (and chicken gravy to put on it), Howard did the preaching and the teaching.

Not so today. One of the surest tests that a denomination has drifted away from the authority of the Holy Scriptures is the ordination of women. In many cases, this slippage is followed with the ordination of practicing
homosexuals and lesbians. Stay with me, this is leading somewhere. I no longer believe Paul used a King James Bible, but I still believe what he said about the roles of men and women is revelation from God.

This is probably why I have never cared for women preachers. This is partly theological and partly practical. I think Samuel Johnson summed it up neatly when he said, “Sir, a woman preaching is like a dog walking on his hind legs. It is not done well; but you are surprised to find it done at all.” If we see a dog walking poorly on his hind legs, we are generally concede that his failure to do it well is not a lack of skill or attention or diligence, it is because walking on his hind legs is contrary to his nature.

I have known women who one could suspect would rather have been born male. Sometimes these women are easy enough in their theology to find a church that will treat them as male – make them priests or vicars, or Reverends. Others find it impossible to switch churches but manage to create alternate activities for “significant” ministry in the parachurch organizations. I have never been an encourager of either of these choices.

In fact, two years ago I wrote a poem inspired by women preachers:


THE YELLOW DOG

"Sir, a woman preaching is like
a dog's walking on his hind
legs. It is not done well; but
you are surprised to find it
done at all." Samuel Johnson

"I have always thought myself
a radical." Bro. Laurie

"Each dog comes with
his own set of fleas."

I saw a yellow dog today
On the Blue Road west
To Bowling Green.
He moved along the gravel berm
In painful, jumping hops
With many panting, weary stops
For the rest and recreation
Of his lovely bushy tail.

His tail was very tired, you see
Because he walked upon it -
The rest of him was in the air,
A golden four-legged bonnet
Wagging in a friendly way
To all of us who slowed and stared
And wondered how he ever dared
To make a trip so long and hard
On such a sticky day...
In such...a sticky...way.

5/02
099

Sunday morning in Springfield, while my child bride was getting ready for church, I was surfing the unfamiliar cable channels. I came across a woman preacher (I think the banner said “Copeland Ministries”), she was reading from the Prophecy of Isaiah and came across the word “peace.” “Peace,” she said, “Shalom – nothing missing, nothing broken.” Marvelous, I thought, that is the best short definition of shalom I have ever heard – and from a woman preacher!

“Peace” is a word that was pretty much debased by the drugged out, anti-war hippies of the 60’s. But it is still a fine word. The Hebrew word “shalom” means the harmony of a person or community informed at every point by its awareness of God. If you took a hundred different kinds of compasses and spread them all through a house, you would find that no matter their size, or shape or construction, each would point in the same general direction. This is an example of shalom.

It is a very large word. When King David stayed home from the wars and got in trouble with Bathsheba, he called her husband Uriah home from the front in an attempt to cover up the adultery. When Uriah reported to the King, the King “asked concerning the welfare of Joab and the people and the state of the war.” (2 Samuel 11.7). Literally he said to Uriah, “What is the shalom of General Joab, what is the shalom of the people, what is the shalom of the war?”

Shalom is the glorious dance of God’s creation when each part is aware of the Creator, in tune with His will and obedient to its knowledge of Him.

As we sail into the last 24 days of a nasty, brutish Presidential Campaign, my prayer is that you may experience shalom and a be a minister of shalom in a world where there is precious little of it.